Harry Potter and the Relationship Breakdown

Valentines Day is upon us, so it's time to think about the psychology of love. This means we must address the Elephant In The Room, the big issue that everybody has an opinion on but nobody wants to talk about...

Should Harry have married Ginny - or Hermione?

The answer is NEITHER - and here's why...

Even JK seems to think the Ron/Hermione thing was a mistake. Hermione herself seems to agree!

I think there are fans out there who know that too and who wonder whether Ron would really have been able to make her happy - Emma Watson

The thinking seems to be that Hermione is fiercely intelligent, independent, glamorous (in her adult incarnation - see below) whereas Ron is... a bit thick? a bit, well, ginger? Is that it?

The psychology of anti-gingerism must wait for another blog, but here's a link if you want some science on that:

The science behind anti-redhead prejudice

No. I'm more interested in whether people's childhood determines whether or not they will make a good romantic partner. After all, we know quite a bit about these characters' childhoods! But first, let's start off by re-examining that scene...

Well, we notice that, despite the recessive gene, Ron's children are redheads too. Hermione's got a very fashionable coat. But where's Ginny? Off to one side, never making eye contact with husband Harry, all the time with a bit of a pained expression on her face.

OK, so she's seeing her son off to boarding school which is a tough time for any mother. It would be odd if she were laughing and joking. But why doesn't Harry comfort her? Or at least acknowledge her? And why does she trail a dozen feet behind him, distracted and remote?

Now I don't want to SPOILER the plot of Harry Potter & The Cursed Child, but could it be that all is not well chez Potter?

An interesting psychological study into relationships was carried out by Cindy Hazan & Phil Shaver, Romantic Love Conceptualised as an Attachment Process (1987). You can look at the original study (it's not too dense a read) or browse Keith Rice's synopsis here.

Hazan & Shaver wondered if the sort of relationship we have with our parents when we're young predicts the sort of romantic relationships we form as adults, years later.

Hazan & Shaver 1987.pdf
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This idea isn't new.  Sigmund Freud proposed that just about everything we do or feel as adults is based on our relationships with our parents in childhood, but most psychologists are a bit dubious of Freud's ideas about the unconscious mind. I'm going to go all-out on Freud on a future blog and tie in Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Kylo Ren, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Ariel from The Little Mermaid - all those characters who clearly have HUGE parent-issues.

More relevant to Potter is the English psychologist John Bowlby who liked Freud's ideas but wanted to put them on a more scientific footing. Bowlby thought that human babies had a biological need to be close to their mothers and called this need "attachment", which he defined as:

lasting psychological connectedness between human beings

Bowlby suggested that a child's first attachment forms an "internal working model" - a sort of template for all future attachments. He suggests that babies form one of three types of early attachment:

Secure attachment is best. These children are distressed when the parent leaves, but quickly soothed when they return. They seek out their parent for comfort and return affection when it is offered.

Securely attached adults find it easy to open up and trust. They are comfortable with intimacy but "bounce back" quickly from heartbreak and rejection - typically because they find it easy to turn to other people for comfort and support.

This is the Weasley family, isn't it? Mr & Mrs Weasley show affection for their children and each other and the children are openly affectionate in return. So despite what JK and Emma Watson think, Ron should be good husband-material.

Anxious (or ambivalent) attachment is a child who gets very distressed when the parent leaves, but isn't easily soothed when they return. Anxious attachment makes children clingy and needy but they have a lot of anger towards their parents and throw tantrums.

As adults, they grow up to be moody and intense in relationships. They are frightened of being abandoned and can be very jealous. They either idealise their partner or criticise them; there's no "in between".

It's tempting to put Draco Malfoy in this category, with his cold, demanding parents and his own sulkiness and conflicted feelings. We catch a glimpse of Draco in the "19 Years Later" scene. Things don't look happy.

Avoidant attachment is a child who doesn't seek intimacy. They don't get distressed at the departure of a parent and treat parents and strangers in the same way. Avoidant children are often the ones who have been abandoned so often or so long they stop looking for attachment.

In adult life, these people are "emotionally unavailable". They can be cold and distant. They don't "open up" and can be positively uncomfortable around displays of affection.

This has to be Harry. His parents were killed when he was an infant. That ought to be enough by itself to wreck a child's attachment for life, according to Bowlby. Other psychologists since Bowlby have argued that a "primary caregiver" can step in to replace the mother and the child can form attachment there instead - but look who Harry gets as caregivers: the Dursleys!

Sums up the psychological damage Harry Potter suffered perfectly

Living in a cupboard under the stairs. Bullied and neglected. Openly devalued by his caregivers in favour of his step-brother.

Ladies, do not marry this guy!

Hazan & Shaver tested this out by getting participants to fill out a "Love Quiz" in a local newspaper and send in the results. A checklist helped them work out which attachment type the respondents had with their parents and the quiz itself scored romantic relationships for how closely they resembled one attachment type of another.

You can try out a version of the quiz yourself:

Take the Love Quiz here

Hazan & Shaver found a pretty clear correlation between childhood attachment and adult relationship styles.

So ladies, if your Valentine grew up with hateful adoptive parents who made him live in a cupboard under the stairs, DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY!

And I think we can see why Ginevra Potter-née-Weasley looks so tense in "19 Years Later". Marriage to Harry Potter must be pretty bleak. If only she'd stayed with that nice Dean Thomas!

Before you go away complaining I've ruined Harry Potter forever for you, it's only fair to critique this idea.

Firstly, it seems incredible that all our adult choices - important choices that we think and agonise about and consult our friends over and everything - are really smokescreens, because everything was really decided for us when we were 6 months old. Surely, the most Bowlby's "internal working model" can do is give us a predisposition, a sort of psychological "nudge" to act a certain way in relationships.

J K Rowling seems to get this. When Harry Potter gets "sorted" in his First Year, the Sorting Hat wants to assign him (quite rightly, IMO) to Slytherin, but Harry is determined to live a different life.

Harry gripped the edges of the stool and thought, Not Slytherin, not Slytherin.
“Not Slytherin, eh?” said the small voice. “Are you sure? You could be great, you know, it’s all here in your head, and Slytherin will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that — no? Well, if you’re sure — better be GRYFFINDOR!”

Nature versus Nurture is a theme throughout the Harry Potter series and this is a good example of nature (Harry's innate goodness, perhaps inherited from his parents) overcoming nurture (his rubbish childhood).

Harry repeats this message to his son Albus at the end of the series:

“But if it matters to you, you'll be able to choose Gryffindor over Slytherin. The Sorting Hat takes your choice into account."

It's a cheering thought to finish on: that we can choose who we want to be, the sort of relationships we want to have, no matter our childhoods. Of course, that also means that a good and happy childhood won't necessarily protect people from making bad choices. As for Harry Potter's marriage, I guess we'll find out on July 30.